Between our growing reliance on social media and the Covid-19 lockdowns, Americans are more lonely than ever before. We’re separated from friends and family and spend all of our days watching internet porn and listening to “podcasts” (read: internet porn with the tab minimized so it’s just audio). Humanity wasn’t built for isolation. We need connection. We need companionship. We need community. That’s why once quarantine ends, it will be the perfect time to join an all-inclusive cult. Take a look at some of today’s most luxurious cults:
The Bungos: This fun group is perfect for the techies and gadget-heads out there. This cult believes that reality is all just a computer simulation programmed by a man named Keith Bungstrom of Evansville, Indiana. Nothing is real and no one ever dies but they do “level up,” based on the number of social media followers they have. Turns out most of the social media trends from the past decade were created by the Bungos, so that they could transcend the simulation and level up. These include eating Tide pods, bottle flipping, the ALS bucket challenge, and that thing with the blue/white dress where we all got so angry about colors. Keith Bungstrom denies being their programmer-god and wants nothing to do with the cultists. Still, everyone decided to get his name tattooed on the inside of their buttholes.
Iltrexians: If you are looking for that classic 1970s South American cult feel, look no further than the Iltrexians. Their leader, Prophet Elijah-Ra Sanchez (born Todd Sanchez) has gathered a following of almost two hundred friendly members on a commune in tropical Venezuela! They believe that the sun is actually the giant egg of a primordial cosmic entity known as Iltrex-Ra (although it’s True Name cannot be spoken by the human tongue). While awaiting The Hatching (where Iltrex-Ra explodes forth from the sun and swallows the souls of his worshipers, thus allowing them to become one with His Hideous Greatness), they are operating a fairly-traded and pesticide-free coffee farm. Their gourmet quality coffee comes from 100% Arabica beans with a complexly layered palate that combines suggestions of tart citrus, fresh-cut fir, and notes of cocoa. Hail Iltrex!
Tony Bufford’s All-American Football Camp: If the whole space monsters thing seems a little too “out there” for you, here is a great alternative for all the sports fans out there. Former Denver Broncos quarterback, Tony Bufford has purchased a 300-acre compound outside of Lufkin, Texas that is home to his own football-themed cult. He’s got a team of former professional players that run training programs for men and women of all ages. Gradually, Bufford’s training program strips away his players' personalities using public humiliation combined with untreated head injuries and isolation from family and friends. But don’t worry, there’s no weird sex stuff here. Like you don’t have to dress up like a sexy referee and put a whistle in your can or have your knob stomped by cleats or anything. However, Tony does host the annual Bufford Bowl where his followers compete in a full-contact no-pads exhibition. The losers get their organs harvested. All proceeds go to paying the camp’s fees.
The Deen’s List: Started by American TV personality and cookbook author Paula Deen after she was cancelled for being an old racist bitch, this cult is perfect for those who don’t want to be peckish when they reach paradise. Those on the Deen’s List are dedicated to packing on pounds, believing that the person who weighs most will be seated at the feet of Paula herself when handsome white Christian Jesus finally calls them home. Putting the heavy in heaven, everyone eats with the promise of an eternity spent sucking the crumbs from between her oily toes while the minorities and sinners in hell starve. For now, the buttery halls of Deen’s Pearly Gates restaurant in Savannah, Georgia is where the Southern-cooking Queen can be found serving up some of her most famous, fattening dishes like Sugar Dumplin’ Stew and her signature Pig Shit Pouches. No coloreds.
The Punkin Patch Kids: Are you on a spiritual journey to gain mindfulness and inner fulfillment in the great, expansive Now? Love doing hot sticky yoga with a bunch of dreadlocked hippies and the children of Hollywood royalty? Wanna participate in Liberation Orgies where you simultaneously have sex with trust fund chicks that quit shaving weeks ago, while everybody screams violently and thrashes around to relieve themselves of the trauma of their past lives? Hun, I got you. You need to hop a bus down to Santa Fe and join The Punkin Patch Kids. Vegan grilled cheeses abound and nobody judges you if you smell like shit and your feet are absolutely disgusting. They will make you give them your credit card info, Hulu password, and change your name to some kind of plant - but you're going to love it. Everything is shared - no personal possessions, no egos, just love, yoga, and scream fucking.
