Don, just on the off chance you clicked on this article - what’s going on, bud? You doing alright? Me and some of the guys typed up this article to describe the clear signs that your marriage is over and it’s time to move onto the next chapter of your life.
Consistent Aggression: Like, remember last summer at Heather’s 3rd birthday party? We were grilling hotdogs in the yard? And then Lydia started screaming at you because “you spent too long in the bathroom”? And you apologized and explained that “your stomach had just been a little upset”? And then she accused you of going in the bathroom and jerking off into the sink? And you assured everyone that you were only using the bathroom because of your stomach and that it was crazy to even consider that you went to jerk off in the middle of a 3-year old’s birthday party? And then Lydia insisted that she could “smell your rancid little dick” and that the sink was probably “clogged up with your pubes” from you jerking off so hard, and that you probably had to jerk off because you were “picturing Melissa’s butthole through her shorts”? Yeah, that was uncomfortable for everybody. To be honest, it kind of ruined the party.
Making Excuses To Spend Time Away: It’s pretty wild that you never told Lydia that the office was shutting down due to Covid and that everyone was expected to work from home. It’s been over 18 months now and she still thinks you’re going into the office everyday. All of the money you inherited when your Dad killed your Mom and then himself, you’ve spent on renting a room at the Best Western just to be away from your wife for 8 hours a day. To make matters worse, you were fired 7 months ago and have just been leaving the house, going downtown, and playing acoustic guitar outside of the TCBY for tips. Now, you know we all love your version of “Screaming Infidelities”, but enough is enough. You even told her you had to work through the Christmas holiday and Bill says he saw you outside Quimbie’s, your fingers frozen stiff and barely able to hit all the notes to “Hey There Delilah.” We get it, man. She’s a blood-sucking cunt and we wouldn’t want to be trapped in a house with her either, but this isn’t the answer. Imagine you got frostbite and we couldn’t ever hear you play Mr A-Z’s “I’m Yours” again? That would be a tragedy ten times worse than your kids growing up in a broken home.
Loss of Trust: Bud, Lydia is having sex with Ted Weisman. Phil saw them necking at a matinee showing of Jungle Cruise last month. He followed them out and she got into his car and they drove to Sheep’s Head Pointe and had sex in the backseat. The windows were pretty steamy, but he said she looked like she was having fun, so it all seemed consensual. Overall, Phil complimented Lydia’s fat mommy milkers and Ted’s pull-out game, but thought it was weird that he was uncircumcised. Isn’t Weisman a Jewish name?
Lack of Intimacy: Lydia has been making you sleep in your 2012 Honda CRV in the driveway for the past couple weeks. That thing doesn’t even have Apple CarPlay! Ted has moved in and is laying some thick-ass pipe a.k.a that good uncut dick - all up in Lydia’s guts. She’s been shrieking like a goddamn banshee and it’s so loud that Old Lady Goutshanks next door has started sleeping in her rosary beads.
Weaponizing Relationships: Lydia has asked the kids to start calling you “Honda Don” instead of "Daddy." She gaslit them into beating the shit out of your Honda with Ted's golf clubs. Then she went to Michaels and got all these glue sticks so that she could paste little cut-outs of Ted’s head over yours in all the family pictures. She even called me and told me that you spilled the beans about how I had a separate credit card strictly for OnlyFans subscriptions. I told you that in confidence when we were pissy-pants drunk on the camping trip last year and you promised not to say anything. I even gave you my password so that you could take screenshots and have something to pull taffy to at night in the Honda. She told me that she’d tell Anjelica if I didn’t cut you off. So this is not only meant to be a wake up call, but it will also be our final communication. Honestly, you should be glad your parents are dead because she’d have them turning on you too.
