We sat down with the future Mario/Garfield to talk about his latest projects and foray into voice-over work, but instead he just rambled on about how excited he was to go to heaven and who he couldn’t wait to see.
Joe Diffie - “The man’s a legend! His album Third Rock From The Sun is wall to wall bangers. Got me through some tough times. Everyone knows Pickup Man, but Junior’s in Love and Good Brown Gravy are staples in our house. Back when Anna and I were fighting all the time, I’d put on Leroy The Redneck Reindeer and we couldn’t help but laugh cuz it was so dang funny and then we’d get all horny and have make-up sex. I have no doubt that the pearly gates were painted John Deere green when the Diff walked through them.”
Natalie Wood - “As a Christian, I’ve been taught not to hate, but if there is anyone in Hollywood that rubs me wrong, it’s Christopher Walken. I’m sorry, but that bug-eyed dancing lunatic reminds me of Lucifer incarnate and I just know he had something to do with Natalie’s death. I’d like to sit with her and hear the real story about how he murdered her in cold blood (probably while listening to Fatboy Slim), then did a little fucking irritating dance over her corpse, and tossed her over the side of the boat. Fuckin’ demon-eyed psycho makes me sick.”
Philly “Wheels” Wilson - “Philly was a boy in my neighborhood growing up that got hit by a garbage truck. He used to always be in the street doing tricks on his bicycle. He had these glow-in-the-dark beads on his spokes and a lisp. His death has always stuck with me and sometimes I feel like his ghost is in my garage tinkering with my bike. Like, one day a tire will be almost flat, and then the next time I go to ride, it will be completely full of air or it will have brand new, bitchin’-ass beads on the spokes. Shit’s fucked. Would love to meet up and take our heavenly cycles off some badass cloud jumps."
Al Pacino - “Never got to meet him while he was with us. A huge inspiration to me. Serpico, Dog Day Afternoon, S1M0NE. Can’t believe he’s gone. Hope we can meet in paradise. My father-in-law, Arnold Schwarzenegger, always says that if he wasn’t a ripped-to-shreds Austrian fuck stallion that he would have wanted to have a career like “that little Italian twink.” RIP to an absolute legend. See you on the other side. Hoo-ah!”
Joseph (from the Bible) - “This is a dude I have a tremendous amount of respect for. He’s been called a cuck. A pussy. A limp-dicked moron tricked into raising a bastard son. The works. But it takes a certain kind of man to look past the fact that the Lord oiled up his wife’s titties and baptized his hog into all three holes, and see that if he didn’t help guide this miraculous half-breed Jew, that no one would. Without Joseph enforcing bedtimes and teaching him how to build a deck, who knows what the J-man would have done with all his power. Even the son of god isn’t immune to teenage angst. Instead of healing lepers and walking on water, he might have been out smoking cigarettes and committing hate crimes while listening to Nine Inch Nails. Turning party punch into lamb piss and laughing his ass off. Joe kept him close and kept him out of trouble, and he’ll always be one cool-ass pussy-eater in my book.”
