Listen, sis, we get it. After all the swiping and matching and ghosting, it's a relief to even find someone you feel comfortable enough to meet in person (much less let them stare into your Nether Eye.) Unfortunately, Queen, the meet up is just the beginning of a grueling process of determining whether they are trustworthy enough to blow your back out. Here are some classic warning signs to look out for on the first date.
Wears an open bathrobe with no shirt in public, so that everyone can see the scars on his belly from some traumatic event. He refers to them as “character builders” and asks to see yours.
Spends the whole date on hold with Angry Orchard’s customer service because he’s convinced that the CEO stole the idea for hard cider from him. Claims that he’s been “Winklevossed” and “has the proof right here,” then asks you repeatedly to try the liquid that he’s brought in a Mason jar.
Refers to their “home planet” and seems to not only understand what dogs are saying when they bark, but also feel genuine empathy towards them to the point where they break down crying and have to excuse themselves.
Runs an Instagram fan account dedicated to Christopher Nolan.
Bakes hot fresh pies from scratch, but keeps leaving them in the window-sill so that any ol’ crusty train-hopping hobo bandit can swipe one and eat it behind a dumpster. Their beard absolutely dripping in blackberry juices, they now have the strength and nourishment necessary to terrorize this small, Christian community.
Has a Youtube channel where he puts googly-eyes on different car mufflers and interviews them about which hot sauces they like.
Orders a virgin margarita “extra virginy” and maintains unblinking eye contact with you as he tonguefucks the salt off the rim.
Quotes Vince Vaughn more than three times (Ladies: good luck finding a guy that quotes V.V. less than twice! LOL!)
Everytime the full moon comes out from behind the clouds, he quickly excuses himself to the bathroom. After the first couple of times you think, “maybe he just got an upset tummy from the Pow-Pow Shrimp Skewers we order as an appe-teaser and then you think “Well, that’s weird. I ate three Pow-Pow Shrimp Skewers and my tummy is totally fine. Not upset at all,” but then you start to notice his knuckles are hairy as fuck and his teeth are razor sharp fangs.
Dresses like a complete slob and pretends to be a poor, even asking you to pick up the check because his credit cards are “weird right now,” even though you looked him up on Insta and he’s the heir to a snack cookie fortune *cough* he’s Emilio Snackwell *cough*
