When your mom gets remarried, it can be awkward as a motherfucker. There’s a new man around the house. There’s new smells. There’s new rules. He grills chicken different. He’s obsessed with the Grateful Dead. But ultimately, he makes your mom happy and isn’t that what you want? Sure, he won’t ever replace your old dad (while he rots in prison), but having a step-dad can be kind of fun - IF you can get over the CRINGE FACTOR. We set out to ask teens the cringiest thing about their new father figures. Here’s what they said:
Robert (15): “He’s like OBSESSED with the thermostat and won’t let anyone else touch it. Every time he adjusts it, he screams through the house at the top of his lungs, “69 degrees on the dot! Your mother’s favorite!” and laughs like a bastard while trying to high five me like it’s fucking funny thinking about Barry eating my mom out while he gets his dick sucked.”
Cory (16): “My step-dad keeps trying to connect with me over music because he knows I make beats. Yesterday he asked me to burn him a CD of my stuff so he could listen to it on the way to work. My Macbook doesn’t even have a CD drive and neither does his Prius. Dumb son of a bitch. FUCK YOU KEN.”
Kaitlyn (17): “Everytime my boyfriend comes over, he and Russell go into his office and lock the door to play Fortnight for hours. I like playing Fortnight too.”
Jessie (14): “Kyle keeps trying to bond with me and it’s sad and cringey as fuck. Like every couple of days he asks if he can help with my homework or wants to see if I will teach him new Tik Tok dances. The other day he brought home ice cream and bought me a new car. Like, get the fuck away from me, you cringey piece of shit.”
Tyler (13): "My step-dad is an ordained minister."
Ashton (17): “When my step-dad Tim found out that I had a crush on this guy from school, he basically convinced my mom that they should go out of town for the weekend, so that I could use the house as a hook-up pad. He stocked the fridge with White Claw and left me $200 for sushi. Long story short, that weekend I lost my virginity in his hot tub. What a fucking simp! CRINGE!”
Lake (18): “I guess the divorce was pretty hard for me. Plus, I’ve just been going through a lot trying to figure out myself. Last spring I told my mom and Gary about my journey with gender identity and that I identified as a female. Gary cried and asked a lot of questions because he said it was important that he understood. The next day he came home with a cake that said, “You may be she/her but I’ll always love YOU.” It was a carrot cake. Fucking EW. I said I identified as a female not as a fucking rabbit, Gary, you complete failure. My real dad could crush your thin skull in his bare hands.”
Capri (15): "He was the lead singer of the band Crazy Town. Everytime my friends come over, he asks them if they like that song "Butterfly"."
Tabitha (13): “I swear he’s stealing my underwear. I used to have so many more pairs and he’s always poking his fat head into my room to ask if I have any laundry that needs to be done and then when I go to put my clean clothes away, my panty drawer is basically barren. I’ve been having to wear bathing suit bottoms as underwear.”
Brennan (15): “Sometimes Jerry will text me from downstairs and it’s fucking weird. He tries to use emojis and stuff, but his boomer ass doesn’t get it at all and he’ll just end up sending me Training Day gifs for no reason. He recently asked if I’d help him set up an IG account so I did and all he posts are poorly cropped pictures of Wesley Snipes with captions like “Passenger 57 on TNT tonight.”
They may not be perfect, and yeah, sometimes they may be cringey af. But you know what? They stepped up when your real dad got locked up. They stepped up to take you to lacrosse practice. They stepped up to pay for those orthodontist bills. They stepped up and 69’d your mom when no one else would. Maybe that’s why they call them a STEP-dad - because they step up.
