What is to be expected this week? Is this the week you should finally make a move and ask your landscaper to eat you out? Is this week the best time to sell your entire stock portfolio and fund a Somalian separatist group? Is your cat pregnant with triplets? Well sister, there is only one way to figure it out: The Stars! Our Astrologer and Editor-in-Chief, Imogene Applecrisp, has deciphered the movement of the celestial bodies and wants to share her glimpse of what fate has in store for love, work, and finance.
Aries: You may face difficult people at work this week but stand up for yourself! I’m talking about Brody Swanson, that fat piece of shit that steals everybody’s lunches from the staff fridge and secretly eats them by himself in the stairwell (like we don’t notice the stains all over his shirt). Here’s what you should do: casually steal his home address from Chayenne in payroll when she goes out to vape in her car. After work, go to Party City and buy the “Heavenly Slut” angel costume, then drive to Brody’s house at 2 in the morning and kick in his backdoor, bust into his bedroom and shake his fat ass until he wakes up, then tell him you’re an angel and God sent you to tell him if he doesn’t quit stealing lunches that he’s going to give him Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma.
Cancer: Hey you little nasty thing! Don’t be surprised if things get HEATED! You know that lobster boat captain that you always see down at the dock unloading crates of fresh lobster? You know, the cute one with the white beard and the scar? The one that you wanna fuck to death? Well, turns out he’s noticed you eyeing him. Sneak aboard his ship and stow yourself away in one of the old wooden barrels. Once your alone, hop out and fuck him until he’s dead and dump his carcass into the cove for the gulls.
Libra: Hell yes! Sassy! Fierce! Confident! This is your muhfuckin’ week GIRL! Skin: flawless. Hair: gorg. Ass: like a big delicious loaf of bread. This week YOU KNOW dat ass gonna be looking like CIABATTA. Let someone spread they butter on those buns. Preferably a college athlete who has stamina, but isn’t looking for something long term. Yum!
Capricorn: Not gonna lie, this is gonna be a shit week for you. Expect to find out your husband has had a secret Grindr account behind your back. That’s where he first met Damien, a young Puerto Rican twink that smells of coconut lotion. It started out as a fling. Well, one thing led to another and now they want to move in together. And the worst part is: they’re really happy and actually make a super cute couple. Your kids have accepted your husband’s sexuality and love being around Damien. They have been very vocal about wanting to live with Damien and Alan and insist on calling you “Beth” instead of “Mom.”
Gemini: Sit down right here, you little two-faced slut. Mama’s got good news and mama’s got bad news. The good news is that the publisher has decided to move forward with your book and you’re about to get a fat ass advance. Try not to blow it all on coke and vibrators. The bad news is that your parents are dead and they left you out of the will. They died last night in that fiery crash on the 101 and they left you nothing. They specifically used the word “cunt” in their last will and testament and said that even though you’re an only child, they would rather give your entire inheritance to their neighbor Janet because at least she wouldn’t “put it all up her nose and pussy.” Their words. Not mine. But we are all worried.
Taurus: This week is all about the MONEY, HONEY. Stack your paper, sis. Buy a gun and rob a liquor store. Tell the shop owner to open the fucking register and then kiss the fucking floor. Fire a warning shot into a bottle of Boone’s Farm. If a customer comes in, zip-tie their arms behind their back and take their cell phone. Take all witnesses’ IDs from their wallets and tell them you know where they live now. Make them taste the hot metal of your still-smoking barrel. Flee to a safe house (maybe Aunt Francine’s?) and hide out for a few days. When things have cooled down, buy some GameStop stock and pay off those student loans. Biden’s hoe ass ain’t coming to help you in that regard. Better stay ahead of it. After that, really lose yourself in your work and continue to smash those glass ceilings at the office, Kween. NO DAY$ OFF!
Leo: Things may not go the way you want them to this week, but it’s actually a blessing in disguise. Like that one time I got sick and I was so pissed that I had to miss school because Curtis found one of his dad’s joints and we were all going to smoke for the first time during free period, but then some goth loser decided to stalk the halls with an assault rifle he got at a gun show and murder like 18 students (including Curtis) and like four teachers. It sucked that I didn’t get to get high that day, but there would be plenty of time to delve into drugs as our community sunk into a deep depression after this catastrophic and harrowing event.
Pisces: Two words. Identity. Crisis. Everything you thought you knew is about to be revealed as a big fucking lie. Turns out your boyfriend is an old man with dementia that escaped from his assisted care facility. The orderlies have been looking everywhere for him!
Scorpio: You will be betrayed by those closest to you! Trust NO ONE! Do not open yourself up! Everyone hates you! Build an emotional fortification around yourself and never ever ever let anyone in. Don’t go outside. It’s not a bad idea to start stockpiling non-perishables foods and first aid supplies. Everything you need can be ordered on Amazon: duct tape, machetes, biohazard suits, everything.
Virgo: Your perfectionist tendencies aren’t making you any friends at work, but they are noticed by who matters most. Keep it up. Make sure the boss knows that you’re putting in the extra work and are staying late to correct all the bonehead mistakes that Mark and Tammy keep making. Let them know that you haven’t slept in 6 days and that you’re relying pretty heavily on illegally-scored Aderrall from a high school senior that you’re also occasionally hooking up with. Make sure they know that your commitment to your job is adversely affecting your personal relationships and overall health. Leave the two teeth that you’ve lost this week on their desk and show them the patches on your head where you’ve pulled your own hair out. They respect dedication. And when you finally get that corner office, you can call Tammy and Mark in and tell them that they are fat lazy losers who’ve leached off your hard work and fire their fucking asses.
Aquarius: Your optimism will prove to be fatal. You choose to see the good in everybody and never suspect ulterior motives. Too bad. You will be murdered by your next Tinder date. There were plenty of red flags, but you’re too fucking stupid and naive to see them. Good riddance, you dumb bitch.
Sagittarius: Yas, gurl. It’s time to get implants. You’ve tried to get his attention countless times and he’s just not having it. We’ve hacked into his computer and have seen his Pornhub search history. Unfortunately, he’s just as shallow as the others. He doesn’t care if they’re natural or not, he just loves juicy fat tiddies. So if he’s the one, just go for it. Neither of you will regret it.