A lot of folks nowadays think that anything goes when it comes to baby names. You turn on the 6 o'clock news and it's all full of names like La'swervulus, River Thistle Blossom, Kyson-Lee, JaXXXon, Paisleigh-Lynn, C-3P0, and Rajneeshi. Well excuse me Ms. Thistle Blossom, but what the heck happened to good old simple, easy-to-read names? Like take for example myself, the name's Frank. Simple as that. Frank. One syllable. One vowel in there. That's really all you need.
What I'm getting at is somebody has got to do something. And that somebody is most likely the government. What I’m proposing is that we pass a series of laws to forbid these extravagant and unorthodox names.
For starters, nobody needs a number in their name or they are going to grow up thinking they're a robot. They'll be wandering around the kitchen, looking at all the appliances with a sexual look in their eye. Might try putting some magnets in their poopshoots. Jesus man, I don't know what these robot people do. I just know it's wrong and that it gives me sinful urges.
I'll admit I've experienced digital desires in my youth. Fantasized about getting all tangled up in wires and chords. Snuck a forbidden peak at the light socket when momma was changing the bulb. Sometimes I’d even make my phone and laptop kiss. I’d turn their respective cameras on and press record. At night, I’d light some candles and pour a glass of buttery Chard and watch the footage while I twisted my knob.
I’m telling you I had it bad for a bit there. Couldn’t even get through The Matrix because everytime those green ones and zeros showed up on my screen, I’d short circuit and spray my cargo shorts. Had to fix something cold to drink to help cool off. And don’t get me started on Wall-E. That thicc little robot almost got me banned from the AMC Dine-In.
Yessir, if it were up to me, there’d only be four names. All guys would be either Frank or Jim and all girls would be Ruth or Ann. Take your pick and keep it moving. Have three sons? Call the third one Ruth or Ann. Having a third girl? Call her Frank. It’s a good name. And all this business about combining the parents’ names is just dumber than a bullfrog’s balls. If for some ungodly reason you feel like Jesus wants you to take this route, then just call the bitch Ann-Frank and go on about your business. Nothing wrong with that name.
