When Gwennie announced that her and Coldplay were “consciously uncoupling” in 2014, I was a fuh-king wreck. I was shaking and quaking in my little booties, sister. Couldn’t even get out of bed or else my knees would start knocking like some burly, barrel-chested farmhand just rearranged my root chakra. I put a hex on Chris Martin and took all my Coldplay CDs, scratched them all up with my car keys and then left them at the Vietnam memorial for the homeless veterans to ravage.
Long story short, after not leaving my apartment for 3 months and blowing my entire trust fund on those stars you can name after yourself, I realized that THIS is my Vietnam and I needed to like, withdrawal my forces from foreign soil and focus on DOMESTIC ISSUES. Which is a metaphor for how I got into the chakra game and aligned my shit something FIERCE. It’s been such a journey to get here, my baby loves, and I made a promise to myself that I would share my gifts with the world.
You might be saying, “Wait, hold up Imogene! What exactly is a chakra?” I got you girl - let’s start basic. Chakras refers to the seven energy centers we have in our bodies and they are all connected to our physical, emotional, spiritual, and sexual well-being. If you want to feel sensual and confident in your skin, you’ve got to do THE WORK. Here’s the rundown:
Everything starts at the root, my loves! That deep down, big ol’ fat dirty ROOT CHAKRA. This chakra is located at the base of your spine, basically in your butthole, and it’s associated with the color red because your butthole is red. The qualities that come from this chakra are feelings of belonging and acceptance. When your root chakra energy gets out of balance, you may go paralyzed from the waist down and basically be in a wheelchair and someone has to bathe you and everything. Totally sucks.
Your sacral chakra is nestled right inside the sweet teeny tiny little tip of your pee-hole and is associated with the color orange. This chakra is nuturing, sensual, and horny as fuck. Sometimes when my sacral chakra gets humming, my boyfriend, Leaf, will light a Nag Champa stick and gently feed the base of it into my urethra. Turns me into a human incense holder (HOT!) and helps set the vibes for whatever hand or mouth stuff we want to start with. Problems with your sacral chakra may include all-or-nothing thinking and urinary tract infections.
Your solar chakra lives inside your belly button and is yellow like a baby chick. This chakra is strength, empowerment, and gut instinct. Like when you see a snake and you know right away that motherfucker is poisonous and you just automatically grab a shovel and cut its head off. That’s called gut instinct and that’s from your solar chakra, my love. May cause indigestion.
Now we’re getting into the more spiritual plane with the heart chakra. It’s located inside your ribcage like a little prisoner and is associated with green or pink (whichever you prefer). This chakra is self-love, relationships, forgiveness, and spicy food. When this chakra is out of balance you may get judgmental and cynical like my roommate Jennifer, who sucks.
The throat chakra is located in your esophagus tube and is turquoise. This energy is all about communication, integrity, and the ability to swallow. When this chakra is out of balance, you basically have no sense of humor and take everything too seriously like my bitch roommate Jennifer. When your throat chakra is in perfect balance you basically have no gag reflex and Leaf goes bananas for it.
Moving on up! The brow chakra is your 3rd eye and is indigo. It’s a magical energy center of wisdom, inspiration, and illuminati weirdness. Aligning this baby can lead to sitting courtside with Jay-Z and Beyonce or drinking the blood of child prostitutes. Money is somehow no object and, at the same time, it is all that you crave. Hillary Clinton becomes a dear friend and the two of you sneak out of your bunks to smoke hash and assassinate political leaders while everyone sleeps. But beware, when this chakra is out of whack, you can straight up go blind.
Last but not least, my baby loves, your crown chakra is on your tippy-top and is purple (cute). It is your connection with the divine, the All-Mother, the Cosmos, whatever you want to call it. This chakra funnels bliss, truth, and transformation right into your brain pussy. BUT WATCH OUT! If you wear a hat or anything it can clog up your crown chakra brain pussy and block out the goddess vibes. This is why baseball players act the way they do and are rapists. Beanies are okay cuz they have the little holes in them.