Namaste, Queens and Kings and they/thems and all non-binary flecks of celestial stardust. Gender is a construct invented by the patriarchy, but I feel that I must address you in such a manner so that we don't lose touch of what makes us unique: our humanity and the souls' desire to connect on a deeper personal plane.
That being said, I'm just going to level with you. Shit's fucked, guys. Disease is ravaging our world and turning us against one another. More than just infecting our physical vessels, hatred has divided us and poisoned our hearts. Isolation has dimmed the glow of our collective consciousness. It's easy to feel lost and tired and scared - even angry - in these trying times, but fear not my beautiful star children, a solution is here. No, I'm not talking about some vaccine that Big Pharma is shoving down our throats that will most likely give our children three belly-buttons and a goatass. No, man-made chemicals aren’t going to do shit to combat this fucking thing and they know it. Or they should. If they listened to my podcast!
I swear sometimes it's like I'm talking to my fucking self, but I know that's not true. I have the data. I know that approximately anywhere from 36 to 43 of you tune in every week and are truly invested in spiritual healing, finding your center, living your magic, and goddess-willing, saving your grandparents. For you beloved beings, this will all be pretty much repeated information from Episode 967 ("Sicks and Stones"). For everyone else, take three big deep breaths, gently acknowledge the thoughts as they arise in your mind, and let them float away because I'm about to align you with some motherfucking truths. Also, subscribe to my podcast Witch Way Is Up and leave a nice review. It helps with potential advertisers.
First, Covid is real and it's out there and it's serving up some severe Tower Card energy, HONEY! Second (and I touched on this earlier), nothing these pencil dicks in their white coats and Keds are doing will have any effect on anything, except maybe billionaires' bottom lines. Trust me. I dated a billionaire in college and his parents were evil. They used to make the butler drip hot wax on the dog at dinner parties and everyone would laugh and then have sex. I had to pretend to be into it for a few months because we were trying to silently drain his trust fund so that we could buy a yacht and do ketamine all day, but I never forgot the yelps of that poor creature. This is all to say that people at the top don’t give a shit about you or your pets and that the only thing you can truly count on is Gaia, our precious Earth Mother.
And wouldn’t you know it, she has been gracious enough to grow the cure for corona right in her very own bosom. YAS bitch. Magic is real. Slay mama. Of course I am talking about crystals! Nature’s meddies. I’m talking rose quartz for purification. Moonstone for inner growth. Turquoise for grounding. Topaz for balance. Black tourmalite to make the voices stop. Bloodrock for casting spells on maskless white nationalists at the supermarket. These six should do the trick, but there are a myriad of pocket stones that you can keep with you to ward off negative energies and sneezing Huckabee Sanders supporters.
Yes, I’ve gifted you the knowledge, but as with any true transformation, each individual is required to do the work. It is up to you to sustainably harvest these little organic beauties, pop them in your brown place, and let the healing begin. If you want to leave a positive review of WWIU and then subscribe to my newsletter and then take a screenshot of both and email them to me, then I might be able to steer you towards likely locations, but otherwise get fucked. I’M. RUNNING. A. BUSINESS. And you’re lucky, my chakras are so aligned right now and I’m just giving you this much info free of charge. Could be charging out the chode like those colonizers at Pfizer, but I love you and you are light.
Once your cleanse is complete, you can sit back and enjoy the blessings that Gaia has gifted you on this big blue marvel and show her the goddamn gratitude that she deserves. Paper straws. Diva cups instead of tampies. Reading Ram Das to the jar where you keep the cremated remains of your cat. Convincing those poor spirits who plan to discard the placenta at your local maternity ward to let you eat it for strength. She has taken such great care of us. Isn’t it time we return the favor? Namaste and don’t forget to charge those babies up under the full moon for maximum effect.
