Baltimore, MD - Susan Turnipseed, an english teacher at Edgar Allan Poe High School is under investigation with the school district superintendent office and Baltimore PD after being accused of marrying one of her sophomore students in holy matrimony and then using their spring break to vacation to America’s honeymoon capital: Tampa, Florida.
Reportedly, questions about Ms. Turnipseed’s improper relationship with her student began after they were seen entering an Ikea together and purchasing a Fackförening Memory Foam Futon. Afterwards they both went to Buffalo Wild Wings and shared an order of the Fully Stacked Chili Cheese Curlies.
Lieutenant Brock Sanderson with Baltimore PD stated “This is actually all a pretty hilarious misunderstanding. The student in question is actually an undercover officer investigating narcotics trafficking at Poe High. All the highschool kids are eating acid, so we did like a 21 Jump Street kind of thing. Point is, we’re happy for Ms. Turnipseed and Officer Lorrenzo and wish them all the best.”
Cynthia DiGiorno from the school’s PTA told reporters “Ms. Turnipseed’s behavior is very disturbing and needs to be taken seriously. She married her own sophomore student. Yeah, I know that the student in question is actually a grown-ass police man but, as a parent, I am concerned that Officer Lorrenzo might receive special treatment in Ms. Turnipseed’s AP American Lit class. These AP scores are no joke - they're for college credit!”
Michael Morgan-Pillows from the school district’s Human Resources department commented on the investigation, “Yeah, it’s what you might call a “Meet Cute.” Actually pretty funny because Officer Lorrenzo is actually 46 years old - older than Ms. Turnipseed. So yeah, but other than that, we need some serious help with students eating massive quantities of LSD. Last week, we had sixteen students listening to Phish in the gym and breaking open glow sticks and drinking the inside stuff. We also had a student put a sheet of acid in the teacher’s lounge coffee pot. Most of our faculty was pretty spun and just showed videos in class for the rest of the day. Obviously the photography teacher, Mr. Tibs, handled it just fine. He followed the Dead around in ‘77 so he knew how to ride it out. He was actually able to coach some of the more square teachers through it and helped start a pretty badass drum circle in the cafeteria.”
Colonel Juan Diaz, who is handling the investigation stated, “We at the Baltimore PD are handling this incident with the utmost care. I can’t stress enough how much we love Channing Tatum’s work and most of us also think Jonah Hill is fucking hilarious. When he gets period blood on his pants in Superbad is like top 10 funniest moments in film. MCLOVIN’! LOL. Chief Dimsey prefers Jonah's dramatic work: Moneyball, Wolf of Wall Street, all that. When we heard how much these high schoolers love tripping their little dicks off, we knew we had to do a tribute to one of the greatest films of 2012. We’re all happy that it worked out for Officer Lorrenzo and Ms. Turnipseed. I would also like to take this time to offer my condolences to Officer Lorrenzo’s old family: his ex-wife Rebecca, his ex-son Tanner, and his ex-daughter Leanne. Daddy’s gone. If you knew what was good for you, you would just move on with your lives and quit feeling sorry for yourselves. Anyways, L’chaim! Hope the two love birds have fun in Tampa!”
Jerome Murkowski, a senior at Poe High told reporters, “Mikey? Mikey Lorrenzo? Yeah, I know him. He is in my Environmental Science class. I really don’t think it's that big a deal that he married Ms. T and they eat at Buffalo Wild Wings together. Our school has bigger problems to worry about. For example, in the library the walls are melting and if you’re not careful the two-dimensional geometric beings will trap you in their chrysanthemum-like mandala prison. My boy Roman has been stuck in there all second semester. Also, the janitor makes too much eye contact and it’s really freaking everybody out.”
When we reached out to Susan Turnipseed’s lawyer for comment, she replied with the following, “Hell Yeah! Ms. Turnipseed and Officer Lorrenzo are down in Tampa as we speak. Fucking Tampa, baby. Honeymoon U.S.A. She texted me a picture earlier today of them at Busch Gardens. You know they got all those exotic animals roaming freely! Officer Lorrenzo was arm wrestling a silverback gorilla and Susan was swimming in the penguin tank. Never looked happier, if you ask me.”
Beyond once-in-a-lifetime animal encounters, Busch Gardens also offers exciting rides for thrill seekers of all ages. You just know that our newlyweds are getting SOAKED TO THE BONE on the Congo River Rapids. And they’ll probably be HURLING up those corn dogs they ate for lunch when they hit that 150 foot drop on the Cobra Clitoris. Only in Tampa.
To order annual passes to Busch Gardens and learn about special deals, call 1-813-884-4FUN or visit their website https://buschgardens.com/tampa/. A whole other world awaits!
