Don and Deadra McDuffy were just your average lower middle-class American couple. They worked 12-hour shifts at Amazon, afraid to leave their stations, pissing in bottles and shitting their pants on the regular, so that Jeff Bezos could build a mansion inside a volcano. What little money they had went to ever-increasing rent, new underwear, and the occasional splurge on a mid-shelf sipping whiskey whenever they could afford a moment to relax. It was in these moments of relaxation, piss-drunk on distilled spirits, that they were able to enjoy their favorite past-time: munching butt. Something about the way the scent and taste of that forbidden dark hole combined with the sweet brown liquor was unlike any other high on God’s green. It was like the archangel Sandalphon was directing a choir on their taste buds and it was just their tempo. That’s when serendipity decided to strike.
As full-blown alcoholic sex fiends, they knew their way around the local whiskey distilleries and made local Clive Yuggenfoks, CEO of Chugg-N-Fux® bourbons and whiskeys, an offer he couldn’t refuse.
“I’m on the way to my car and these two jump out from behind a dumpster and grab me. They tie me up and launch into their pitch. ‘What’s the two best flavors on earth,’ they ask. ‘Butthole and bourbon,’ I answered. They just looked at each other and smiled. And that’s how it all began. They knew right then they had found a kindred spirit. Pun intended.”
Since that fateful meeting, Chugg-N-Fux® has seen their bottom line increase 500%, due primarily to the creation of MudHole, the world’s first fecal-flavored liquor.
“Some distributors thought we were crazy at first. But we knew we weren’t the only asshole aficionados out there. We knew there had to be others that enjoyed getting stumbling drunk and chowing down on some brown and then refusing to brush their teeth because the flavors mixed so well. Once that community found us, it was off to the races,” said brand rep Tyler Skittles.
“Yeah, it was our appearance on Shark Tank that really opened the fudge gates and led people right to us,” claimed Skittles. “When Barbara admitted to the occasional funky buttloving and partnered up with Damon to invest, Don and Deadra knew they had something special. Who’s laughing now, Mr. Wonderful? You bald sack of shit! Since then, it’s been a wild and crazy ride on this incredible hershey highway. They’ve also quit their jobs at Amazon by the way and may or may not be under investigation for sending a pipe bomb to the Amazon distribution center.”
Don and Deadra McDuffy could not be reached for comment, purportedly because they can’t remove their tongues from each other’s fart factories long enough to give one, but sources close to them say that they plan to expand the brand later this year. This will include an “Assholes From Around The World” launch, where they will incorporate different flavors based on each region’s most popular liquors. They have already dropped hints about their new South-of-the-Border Stink Star Tequila. Get ready to lick a little salt off the rim. Don’t mind if I do!
