WASHINGTON D.C. - Less than a decade ago, Senator Mitt Romney (R - Utah) campaigned for president against Barack Obama with the promise to stop the government from giving “free stuff” to the poors. Now, nine long years later and after alienating himself from the Trump wing of the GOP, Romney is calling for a new program that would allow him to come over this weekend and build a tree fort in your yard.
On Thursday, the Utah senator introduced the bill by stating, “I just thought it might be nice if I came over one day this weekend and let you and Suz have the day to yourselves. I could take the kids and we could build a little tree fort, if the weather permits. Just something simple but sturdy. How’s that sound?”
Romney himself has 76 Mormon grandchildren and has reportedly built tree forts for all of them over the past few years. Romney justified the need for his new program by claiming, “Yeah, I could show the kids how to swing a hammer and work with some of the power tools. Could be a lot of fun and give the kids a safe place to play pretend outside of the house. I was thinking of maybe doing a rope ladder and they could climb up through the trap door. Maybe pirate ship wheel? I don’t know yet, but we’ll figure it out. Sound good?”
At this point, Romney’s plan has surprising bipartisan support that gives it a promising chance of making it off the Senate floor. Sen. Corey Booker (D - New Jersey) signaled his support by stating, “Sounds like a great idea. I had a tree fort as a kid and we used it as our secret clubhouse. If Mitt is coming by, maybe I could pick up some hamburger meat and grill out for everybody. The weather is supposed to be nice.” Reportedly, last time Romney and Booker came over, they broke out the slip-n-slide and everybody had a blast.
Minority leader Sen. Mitch McConnell (R - Kentucky), who has recently clashed with Sen. Romney over their views of the Trump impeachment weighed in on Romney’s plan, “As a general rule, I think tree forts are cool. Maybe we could bring our sleeping bags and some flashlights in there and have a camp out. We could stay up all night listening to the hoot-owls and telling ghost stories. I can bring my Ouji board and we could try to summon John McCain. First senator to fall asleep we are going to put their hand in a glass of warm water and they are going to piss all over themselves. I’ll snap a polaroid of them with hot piss all in their pants and sleeping bag and send it to FOX News. Hannity is going to freak.”
Human piece of shit Ted Cruz (R - Texas) remarked, “Yeah, I had a tree fort growing up too and that is where me and my friends used to hide the caracasses of dead animals and the porno mags we stole. We used to sneak up there and collectively beat off onto a graham cracker. Then everyone would cheer for me until I ate the graham cracker. I was sort of the life of the party. I always ate the graham cracker, no problemo, and everybody thought of me as a hero.” Senators Romney, Booker, and McConnell have not issued a comment on whether Senator Cruz is invited this weekend.
