Birmingham, Alabama - Church of the Highlands, Alabama’s largest mega-church, has begun offering a non-traditional late night service that it hopes will attract younger members into their church community. Their new Saturday night service boasts fog machines, laser lights, and big bass drops that give church-goers the “club” experience.
“Growing up, church was beat. Corny as fuck, see?” said Rev. Ronnie Kray, Church of the Highlands newest ministry outreach promoter. “Maw-Maws in their big ass hats and Pee-Paws with their dicks hanging out the bottom of their trousers, dragging in the dirt. Y’all seen these Pee-Paws with they dusty ass dicks? Point is: young people don’t vibe with Jesus no more. They just think it’s CruciFICTION. This Saturday, we about to show ‘em it’s a CruciFACT.”
“Jesus TURNT fish into bread. Jesus TURNT an ocean into a sidewalk. Now Jesus fixin’ to get this party TURNT. LET’S GO MOTHERFUCKERS!” said DJ Daewon, the new late night service music director.
Among the impressive visual displays offered by the late night service are three new 25-foot video projectors, suspension rigging that will allow Rev. Ronnie Kray to fly around the auditorium like Garth Brooks, and a hi-tech performance of “Walk This Way” by a holographic Jesus Christ featuring a holographic Steven Tyler of Aerosmith and the real Lil Pump.
“Hell yeah, people gonna drop a clot ‘bout that hologram shit. We got Jesus dropping in on a halfpipe and doing a kickflip over the devil. Ronnie Kray is flying around like a seagull. Then Steven Tyler’s old ass starts singing and Jesus Christ the Lord jumps on the mic smooth like a butter boy. Thanks to Lil Pump for showing up too,” said DJ Daewon.
Church of the Highlands has received some criticism for their unorthodox new service, particularly for alleged underage drinking and the fact that communion will be done with Redbull and Vodka, instead of wine or grape juice which is customary. Rev. Ronnie Kray made an official statement about the allegations of underage drinking yesterday over twitter yesterday, stating:
As stated in the tweet, Rev. Kray claims that the Birmingham Police Department is bound by the same rules as vampires, being that they cannot enter the threshold of private property unless formally invited. Birmingham PD has not issued a comment on whether or not Reverend Kray’s statement is true.
Later that night, Kray also tweeted a response to criticism about the unorthodox communion, stating:
Hard to argue with him there. We did some digging and it turns out he’s right on the money. Redbull wasn’t invented until 1987, and Jesus was crucified and resurrected three days later to sit at the right hand of his Father the Lord God Almighty long before that.
Late Night Service begins at 11:00 pm this Saturday and will last “until the damn thing is done.”
