You guys will not fucking believe how funny Mason is! He is only two, but I swear he is like a little Gabriel “Fluffy” Iglesias or something. So funny.
So like, the other day, he comes running up to me screaming “Papa! Papa!” and I say “WHAT IS IT?! CAN’T YOU SEE DADDY IS TRYING TO WORK?! YOU LIKE EATING YOUR LITTLE FUCKING GO-GURTS AND PLAYING WITH YOUR LITTLE FUCKING PISS-PANTS FRIENDS AT SCHOOL?! YOU DO?! WELL WHAT DO YOU THINK PAYS FOR THAT?!” And you’ll never believe it, he goes “But look, I’m Mommy!” and I swear to god, he’s got on women’s underwear and full makeup and he’s strutting around saying “I can’t do this anymore, Rick” and “Please just sign the papers, Rick.” I swear to God, sometimes this kid cracks me the heck up! We probably should have named him “Fluffy Jr” except Janis wanted to name him after her great uncle who died in Korea instead.
He’s honestly something else. One time I was talking with a cashier at Target and he goes “Papa, she looks like that girl you like from on TV.” And at first, I didn’t know what he was talking about, but then he goes “the one from your ‘puter that makes you breathe heavy and touch your no-no.” Uh, hey comedy legend Gabriel “Fluffy” Iglesias, come get your boy! I was embarrassed three ways from Sunday, but he was right. She did resemble Mistress Meredith. I can’t believe I hadn’t seen it before, but in my defense, this lady smiled more and wasn’t ordering me to lick her dog’s shit off a high heel.
One day last year, we went to Quimbie’s for some mozzarella stick slammerz and the manager asked me to put on a mask and before I could hack a cough right in his socialist face, Mason looks right at this chode and goes “Spread my cheeks and munch, Biden boy!” and proceeded to piss all over the booth. It was beautiful and so fucking funny. I sent a video of the whole thing to comedy legend Gabriel “Fluffy” Iglesias’s Instagram account. He never responded but it was marked as ‘seen’ so I know he watched it and probably laughed his hawaiian-shirt-wearing ass off. Hey Gabe, if you use any of that material in your next special, make sure you give credit to Mason. It would mean a lot and seriously, after all the hot water Amy Schumer got in for stealing material, you do not want to fuck with me. I will fucking ruin your career. Don’t get cancelled, bro. I’ll even lie and say you tried to touch Mason’s nipples. Love your stuff though! Hit me up if you ever want to work with Mason!
I get so stressed over sales projections sometimes and Mason will hear me sigh and say something hilarious like “uh oh, guess we’re not getting a pool” or “looks like Disney World will have to wait until next year” or “I wouldn’t spend one red cent on this worthless shit either, especially from a needle-dicked cuck-suck like you.” He must have got that one from Mistress Meredith. I’m so lucky to have them both in my life. Especially since Janis left. Guess it’s true what that little tramp Charlie Chaplin said: “A day without laughter and erotic humiliation is a day wasted.”