Well boys and girls, this year’s been a doozy, yessir.
I recall way back in February 2020 when our good and tan president Mr. Donald Trump told us that this whole coronavirus thing, like most things, was nothing but a Democrat hoax. Nothing to worry about. Uncle Terry made some pretty good memes on Facebook talking about how wearing masks was just a liberal scheme to turn everybody Muslim. Just doing what he does best: owning the libs. Classic. Well, after Uncle Terry got one of those MAGA mamas to go dicksurfing at the 4th of July boat parade, he came up positive. Next thing you know, Terry spent two weeks on a ventilator in the hospital before drowning on his own fluids.
Then in April, our rich-ass leader of the free world told us that all you had to do to kill the virus was inject a little disinfectant into yourself. Easy peasy. Becky next-door downed three gin and Lysols before we had to call poison control. The doctors said she had acute liver failure - but I’ll be damned if she didn’t pop up negative for Covid!
I myself am still pretty confused about how the whole QAnon thing turned out. What about the elite child-sex trafficking Hollywood Satan worshippers? How is Tom Hanks still allowed to turn in award-winning performance after award-winning performance in various WWII vehicles? What about exposing Hillary Clinton and the shadow government? Where is JFK, Jr.? How aren’t there more episodes of Flea Market Flip? What about the Storm? You mean to tell me that all we got off of Hunter Biden’s laptop were the loving messages of a father supporting his son who was struggling with addiction?! Where were the pics of Biden’s feet or Pelosi’s hefty naturals? It’s almost as if my lack of critical thinking skills, my deep need for a sense of belonging, and toxic social media algorithms made me live in a pretend reality where I was like a secret agent uncovering all kinds of fun mysteries. I thought we were playing 5-D chess, turns out we were just LARPing.
Yessir, doozy of a year. Feels like my whole world is turned upside down now that Joe Biden was sworn in. But that’s no reason to give up hope! There is a cure for the QAnon Blues. Here are some tricks I’ve learned over the past couple weeks:
I’ve been avoiding pizza ever since I learned about Pizzagate. I thought it was pedophile food and I didn’t want to support their businesses. Couldn’t even look at pepperoni without picturing Hillary pegging some poor child. Well, turns out it is pretty good shit. Go ahead order a pizza for dinner. You can just order it on an app now, pretty cool.
I stopped watching NFL because they kept kneeling when America Song came on. I’m like, now that’s disrespectful. They say it’s to bring awareness to inequality, but I’m like ain’t nobody equal to these supreme athletic specimens. I mean just look at their powerful leg muscles. Like beautiful brown stallions galloping toward the end zone. I guess now that the Democrats are in charge, it’s not really so offensive. Honestly it’s just nice to get the guys over and drink a couple Coors Banquets and watch the game. Almost like things are back to normal. So, call up Mitch and the boys and order a ‘za - you deserve an afternoon for you.
I haven’t had Starbucks since they had that fucking cup that said “Happy Holidays” on it. Man, if you could have seen me when I found out about that shit. I was TICKED. However, I will admit that my righteous Christian fury has died down a bit. I watched that movie called 8 Crazy Nights and it made me think Hanukkah can’t be all that bad if the Sand Man is celebrating. And to be honest, I was dragging ass in the morning. Boss man saw it. Co-workers could tell. Just didn’t feel like the same guy without my Iced Cinnamon Almond Milk Macchiato. I’m sorry Mr. Jesus for abandoning the boycott, I’m just not strong enough to resist that temptation. Salute any one who is. Guess it’s true: the devil don’t play fair.
When Beyonce released Formation in 2016 I was confused, I was angry, but most of all I was scared. As a former security guard at the mall, I was offended by her depiction of law enforcement. I thought to myself, “Beyonce are you mad at me? Well guess what, you can’t be mad at me because I’m mad at you first. Consider yourself boycotted.” I was so young and naive back in 2016. Couldn’t even stand to look at the lemonade machine at Auntie Anne’s. Since the 2020 election, I have forgiven Queen B and started listening to her music again on my iPod shuffle and goddammit do I feel empowered.
I know we’ve been pretty hard on the coastal elites. The New York City types with their recumbent bicycles and Dear Evan Hansens. The Hollyweirdoes with their veganism, influencer mansions, and Timmy Chalamets. But if I’m being honest? New York City is pretty cool. They got a Bubba Gump Shrimp Company right in the middle of the goddamn street basically and the NYPD do not hesitate to pepper spray antifa ‘til their eyes fall out. And don’t even get me started on West Coast Customs. They may have started in the land of fruits and nuts, but you’d be the real nut to not want your ride tricked out by the fellas. Take your new shit all the way down Highway 1, stopping only to smell the saltwater and appreciate the vast bosom of the Pacific. Shit’s so sick.
