Spring is officially in the air, and with vaccines on the rise, we expect to see more and more people emerging from their blanket cocoons and showing off their beautiful wings. Been in sweatpants so long you’re not sure where to start? No worries, sis. We’ve got all the hottest looks to help you take full advantage of the season.
Oscar De La Renta Wide-leg Linen Cargo Pants ($1,739): As you venture back into the world, there’s simply more to carry. You’ve got your masks, your sanitizer, and your recently deceased granddad’s butterfly knife. These flowy, roomy pants with extra pockets should make staying prepared a breeze.
Tom Ford Kevlar Tactical Bulletproof Vest ($849): As we’ve already seen, things are beginning to get back to normal in America, so you can expect mass shootings to continue to come back in style. Big time. White nationalist incels have been patiently waiting for crowds to gather again. But don’t worry. Tom Ford has you covered (as always) with this beautiful paisley-print Kevlar vest. The matching helmet (optional, $255) might get a little hot on warmer days, but when put together, it’s a whole-ass vibe honey.
Gabriela Hearst Psychedelic-print Headband ($88): Perfect for holding a ten-strip of acid to your forehead until it has time to seep into your pores. After the year we’ve had, it’s okay to want to disassociate and escape the confines of normal human perception and the constructs of unchecked capitalism. You’ll look absolutely stunning as you lay in a field of clover and interview your ancestors. It will even serve a practical purpose as a vessel to catch the beads of sweat running down your brow as you turn into your childhood pet hamster, Nathaniel, and run on all fours looking for a pile of wood chips to shit on.
Tommy Bahama Puka Shell Wristband ($10.95): Like it or not, we are experiencing the Great Jack Johnson Revival of 2021. Everywhere you go the sun is shining, the waves are crashing, and people are strumming ukuleles. Even Tom Hanks’ son is speaking Jamaican Patois. Embrace the island vibes, braddah, with a laid-back wristband. Tommy’s pukas come straight from Hawaii so you know you will look chill as shit when you are throwing a shaka or slicing up a pineapple.
Merrell Moab 2 Tactical Waterproof Hiking Boots ($230): There is a positive side of this whole global pandemic. While you were working from home and stockpiling toilet paper, Mother Nature got her mother fucking groove back. Carbon emissions are down, biodiversity is up, and our waterways are crystal clear. The downside: it’s a fucking wilderness out there. There’s wild boars and shit. Toucans. Vines growing up telephone poles. You’re going to need gear that is both functional and fashionable while you’re sharpening sticks into spears and drinking your own urine out of a snake skin. We recommend a pair or Merrells for that rugged chic vibe. They’re durable, comfortable, and provide plenty of ankle support for when you are fleeing from mountain cats.